Always a widow but not always married

It’s funny how I have gotten over being a widow but yet I am battling to get over being married. You probably read that sentence thinking I don’t get it. While, let me enlighten you.

I have dealt with the fact that I lost a husband and that he is not coming back and I will never get to see him again. I have also dealt with that yes, I am a widow and people look at me with pity because of my age, circumstance and the fact that I had to experience that kind of pain. They also assume that life and love will go on for me.

Yet, I still can’t find a way to get over being married. People like I’ve mentioned before would love to see me with a man who can love me and look after me the way I deserve but the problem is not the men but me. I can’t get over that I was married and technically am not anymore.

I took my marriage vows seriously and I lived trying to keep them by being the partner God intended me to be. But now that my husband has died, I need to realize that I am not married anymore and am trying to come with grips with that I am single. And that I can think myself as single. I was a Mrs, but now I am one without the Mr.

And that’s difficult! My heart is surrounded by a wall of commitment to my husband and God. I have forgotten that this wall needs to be opened to allow love to flow in, to give someone the opportunity to love me and I think I am going to need the people around me as well as God’s help with this.

Commitment is important to me and I have lived my life these past years fully committed to a man I can no longer love here on earth but can carry his memory with me. I am committed to an intimacy that I can’t get to feel and experience anymore.

My heart was so filled with him that I built the wall to keep it in but it is not helping me anymore. As much as I loved my husband, the wall is hindering me and making me think that if another man breaks through I am breaking my marriage vows. It is easier to write this realization than live it.

Not many reading this blog, will understand how deep it runs, how hard it is and how heart wrenching it is to try and change this. It is not easy trying to get others to understand especially when you are in a different life phase than those around you. It causes you to keep things to yourself as you do not want to burden others when things they can’t comprehend and the fact that I can be a very private person doesn’t always help either. I just pray that that others can help start making cracks in the cement and brick to allow more love to flow through.

. The true widow, who is all alone, puts her hope in God

and continues to pray night and day for God’s help

1 Timothy 5:5

So I want the younger widows to marry, have children, and manage their homes.

1 Timothy 5:14

Always a widow but not always married

The Lone Wolf

 

The wolf howls on the top of the mountain in front of a full moon….alone.  The pack can hear but she is not like them even though she is part of their pack. She thinks differently, walks differently, talks differently. The wolf takes part of the pack’s activities. She loves her pack but yet is still alone.  The wolf still howls at the moon, alone. 

How many of us know a lone wolf?

She sits in the corner, watching. She watches from the outside, looking in. The lone wolf smiles at the right things and quietly answers the questions being asked but deep down, she is misunderstood.

The lone wolf’s heart is guarded and often has many scars on it. Being understood hurts especially when the misunderstanding is from the ones she loves. She howls at night to let other lone wolves know that their loneliness is respected yet they don’t have to be lonely if they don’t want to be.

She hurts but inside. She cries, in a room alone. She feels when others can’t see, can’t sense.  Her mind, her heart and her spirit is locked like a vault.  A vault with a code that only certain chosen ones get to use it.

Each lone wolf is loved and a part of a pack. It’s just that the pack doesn’t fully grasp how the lone wolf’s brain and heart works. How the lone wolf perceives the world around them.

Are you a lone wolf?

The lone wolf is often a beast of beauty. Her vicious eyes glow in the light of night. She roams the darkness for love not meat. The lone wolf is often the one with a good heart, a body of faith. Many people around her don’t get to see the lone wolf’s full potential because they don’t understand and see the lone wolf’s true being.

Do you look from the outside in?

But there is one, one who sees all. We might not fully comprehend and understand the lone wolf but someone does. He sees right through her.  He sees what lies in her heart, what lies on her heart, what makes her heart beat.

Are you misunderstood?

He envelopes her in love, folds her in faith and holds her in hope. He gives her the confidence she needs to embrace being the lone wolf, the confidence to try and step out the corner, out of the night light into the light of the sun.

He is GOD.

 "For My eyes are on all their ways;

 they are not hidden from My face, 

nor is their iniquity concealed from My eyes"

Jeremiah 16:17