Always a widow but not always married

It’s funny how I have gotten over being a widow but yet I am battling to get over being married. You probably read that sentence thinking I don’t get it. While, let me enlighten you.

I have dealt with the fact that I lost a husband and that he is not coming back and I will never get to see him again. I have also dealt with that yes, I am a widow and people look at me with pity because of my age, circumstance and the fact that I had to experience that kind of pain. They also assume that life and love will go on for me.

Yet, I still can’t find a way to get over being married. People like I’ve mentioned before would love to see me with a man who can love me and look after me the way I deserve but the problem is not the men but me. I can’t get over that I was married and technically am not anymore.

I took my marriage vows seriously and I lived trying to keep them by being the partner God intended me to be. But now that my husband has died, I need to realize that I am not married anymore and am trying to come with grips with that I am single. And that I can think myself as single. I was a Mrs, but now I am one without the Mr.

And that’s difficult! My heart is surrounded by a wall of commitment to my husband and God. I have forgotten that this wall needs to be opened to allow love to flow in, to give someone the opportunity to love me and I think I am going to need the people around me as well as God’s help with this.

Commitment is important to me and I have lived my life these past years fully committed to a man I can no longer love here on earth but can carry his memory with me. I am committed to an intimacy that I can’t get to feel and experience anymore.

My heart was so filled with him that I built the wall to keep it in but it is not helping me anymore. As much as I loved my husband, the wall is hindering me and making me think that if another man breaks through I am breaking my marriage vows. It is easier to write this realization than live it.

Not many reading this blog, will understand how deep it runs, how hard it is and how heart wrenching it is to try and change this. It is not easy trying to get others to understand especially when you are in a different life phase than those around you. It causes you to keep things to yourself as you do not want to burden others when things they can’t comprehend and the fact that I can be a very private person doesn’t always help either. I just pray that that others can help start making cracks in the cement and brick to allow more love to flow through.

. The true widow, who is all alone, puts her hope in God

and continues to pray night and day for God’s help

1 Timothy 5:5

So I want the younger widows to marry, have children, and manage their homes.

1 Timothy 5:14

Always a widow but not always married