Dear Jason......

I am so glad that our memories, good and bad, we created together overshadows your final months in hospital. I think many people felt that I had given up hope that you would return home but I didn’t give up hope, I just saw something that others didn’t.

I will never forget how we would look at each other from across the room and know exactly what we were telling each other. In hospital, I knew you had gone from us way before I had to make the toughest decision of my life. I knew because your soul had left from behind your eyes. I knew especially in the last few days when I realised you no longer knew who I was.

Our relationship wasn’t always easy but we loved each other fiercely, entirely and we both knew we could never live without each other (no matter how hard we tried – LOL!) It hasn’t been easy but I have come to learn how to do this. However, I do still think of you, miss you and feel you.

Many people don’t realise how we would pray together when things weren’t going as planned or when we made mistakes. They don’t realise how we loved a lot of the same things. They just couldn’t understand why we were attracted to each other but we knew.

I might have let you go on earth but you will always be felt in my heart and soul. I sometimes don’t even know how or why we stayed together but clearly we must have loved each other beyond comprehension. We brought the best and the worst out of each other.

Many have wondered if I regret the decision I made when deciding to make you comfortable and let you pass away peacefully. I don’t regret it because I will never forget hearing you groan in pain when you couldn’t speak, or the silent tears running down your cheeks letting me know you can’t anymore, or the way the “life” had left your eyes and body.  I didn’t let you go because I had lost hope, I always hoped, I let you go because if there was one last thing I could do for you was to let you pass away with the dignity, love and respect you deserved. I didn’t want you to leave us on the operating table or with tubes still attached in your body. I just wanted to allow you one last chance to feel like yourself and for everyone to see you as they always had.

I think sometimes I am more proud to be your wife after you passed as I came to realise what a difference you made in my life but most of all others lives. So many people around you loved and respected you so much. It does sadden me that I learned this after you were gone but I am so glad I did. You left such a gap in the lives of many. They miss your personality, your laugh and your ability to always be around someone needed you. They miss being able to call on you and I have no doubt they miss you giving them a call to check up on them. Remember that…. how we used to worry about our friends and family and call or visit to make sure they are okay.

You even made a difference in our baby’s life. God showed me why you had to leave us but I will always remember how as soon as our baby heard your voice, she would get kick and kick until you would rub my tummy and speak to our baby. Now, a young lady, she loves watching our d.v.ds to see you smile, laugh and alive. I have a feeling she is just as proud to have you as a Dad as I am to have called you my Husband.

Down side of your passing is I am not as social as I used to be…. especially since you made me social…. you made me visit, engage and be surrounded by family and friends.  It’s tough for me but I do try, a little.

You were my rock, my comfort when I was having a bad day but now that is gone and sometimes it overwhelms me how much I miss this about you.  You took half of my body, my heart and my soul when you left.

I pray that God and you give me the blessing to fall in love again and that you don’t haunt me (like you said you would – LOL!).

May you be at peace and may you become your daughter’s Guardian Angel and may God guide us always.

With love always

Chantel

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I did not write this blog to gain sympathy or attention but in the hope that others will possibly find comfort during their grief and loss of a loved one. Talking about grief is not always easy and many people find it uncomfortable talking about it. Also I hope the “wondering” people will have their questions answered and that they too find comfort in knowing that I did feel loss.

Keeping journals, writing letters etc can help with dealing with loss especially when we feel we can’t express ourselves to others. It gives us the space to really release our emotions.