Over the week-end I put this status on my social media page: "Maybe it's time to embrace being single and get ready to mingle". It's not the first time that I have pondered over this and it's not the first time I thought if I put this out in the public, I will be able to convince myself but that's not the case.
I am one of the lucky few who have family and friends around me who genuinely care for me and want to see me happy again. I'm sure for some of them, they are really tired of seeing me alone. But what they don't know, is that what is inside is not always portrayed outside.
I have realised in order for me to truly embrace being single, I have to face a few inner demons of my own. I have been a widow for over 10 years, having only been with one man in my life, it's not easy trying to let your guard down and open yourself up to that again. I'm not worried about losing a man in my life but I do have issues trying to be intimate with someone again, especially when you have had a really, deep loving connection with someone. You try to discover if you have the ability to connect like that again and I have no idea if I can. I also don't think someone else needs to get hurt or rejected because I have issues. That's not fair.
Another thing is, you have to start seeing what others see in you and let's be honest, what I see in the mirror is definitely not what others see. My family and friends around me continue to tell me what an amazing woman I am, how genuine and loving I am. I've been told that I have so much to offer but what they don't realize is I don't see that when I look in the mirror. Now, before you start thinking "lack of self esteem", I don't lack it. To me, I am a plain Jane who truly cares for people and I look after and worry about others before myself. Doing too much for myself, often seems selfish to me and that's not because I don't think I deserve it, it's just my personality. It's who I am.
And I am not a dater! The thought of going on many dates trying to find the one (again!) seems like a lot of work and effort. Yes, I know if I don't make the effort, how will I ever know but seriously, do I have to!! My friends are way more adventurous than I am and they take dating in their stride but me, it feels like going to job interviews and I don't interview well! Did I add that I am one of the shyest people too when I am alone.
The only thing I could think of to deal with this, is lay it at God's feet.
He might send someone along for me or He might not. Maybe, God wants me to be alone and if I get that answer, I will be completely fine with that. But if God's plan is different then I seriously have to get the message right and walk in faith knowing He is guiding me..So here's me handing my piece of heart to God.
May you too always feel blessed and loved in God's light!
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