What If.....

I remember it, like it was yesterday. I can still clearly see it in my mind and feel the intensity in my chest. I loved starting my school day like this. Soft, brown shining eyes and a smile that sent shivers down my spine. His arms felt warm, like home as he naturally pulled me into his embrace. Mmm, he always smelled good. His smell travelled through my nostrils, lingering as my breath gently blew on his neck. We didn’t need permission from each other to touch. We were drawn to each other, every morning. There was no beginning and in our hearts no end.

Our eyes answered the question that couldn’t be spoken and our embraces confirmed the mutual feeling but our mouths couldn’t be convinced to start the conversation. We kept everyone guessing, yet not many asked as we didn’t even know the answer but yet, we did. We weren’t ashamed of showing our feelings. It felt so comfortable, so right. Like a clichéd movie, we didn’t want to risk the friendship and the intimate feeling we had toward each other. We didn’t want the feeling to end. Before we knew it, we had run out of time. We parted with tears in our eyes, a promise in our smile and a silent “what if?”

Now, standing in a semi-crowded house, my “what if” walks in and twenty years later, my breath shallows and vaguely disappears. I wonder if he has ever wondered, ever missed it or even remembers. His face is how I’ve pictured it over the years, more than once. He glances my way, recognising me he smiles that smile that still sends shivers down my spine. His shining soft brown eyes still matches his smile. 

The flutter in my stomach sinks as she walks up to him from behind, their rings shouting “we’re married” from across the room. An unknown love hurts just as much as a lost love. I’m frozen.

The evening flows with friends, food and fun. We haven’t neared each other. I can’t look at him. I just can’t do it. I wonder down the house’s narrow passage into the bedroom where my handbag lies. My breath shallows again as I feel him. The feeling from me hasn’t changed. I turn and look at him. He stares silently at me. Do I see what I think I see? What I want to see?

Forgetting why I’m there, I walk past him but he turns and closes the door in front of me. No escape. I find myself leaning against the closed door, looking up into those soft, brown eyes.

Please don’t come close, I beg with my eyes as he looks at me, ignoring my plea. I look away, scared at what he might see in mine. His closes the gap enough. I want to touch and embrace him like I used to. I want to feel at home. I want to inhale his scent. I want to feel my breath on his neck. He edges even closer, his heat warming my skin. I look up at him as he leans his head down, his familiar untouched mouth mere inches away from mine. Smiling, he whispers, “We haven’t changed, have we?” I suck in my breath as my heart is shouting…..kiss me, touch me and love me. My mind can’t be heard. “You’re married” I mumble back into his mouth.

Brushing his lips ever so lightly against mine, he sighs and replies “I know”. He steps back and I give him space to leave, unable to look into his eyes again. He closes the door behind him, leaving me standing there, leaning against the door. My heart is racing, breath still shallow and my whole body is tingling.

Breathless, I walk out the bedroom, my lips swelling from mere sense of sensuality as I watch his back disappear out the front door with her. It happened again.

What if...

What’s your “what if” story?