Day 5: ENOUGH

In my previous blog post, I explained how getting the call about my husband’s passing changed by life. The grief I felt was indescribable. I had just lost the man I wanted to grow old with.

Unfortunately, I didn’t know back then that I would be enough; enough to be a single Mother. Even sitting here, typing this blog post, I still have to be honest and say that I don’t like being a single Mother but God put here for a reason.

The loss of my husband caused sadness and pain but it also taught me (without realising) that I am strong enough to do what I have to and that I am ENOUGH.

I was ENOUGH because after walking and working like a “robot” for the first two years of my child’s life, I woke up one day and made the decision to stop being a grieving widow and start becoming a growing woman.

I re-discovered who I was as a woman, a mother and a single woman. I realised what I love doing, what I enjoy and what kind of person I want to be moving forward.

Now, I know I was ENOUGH then and I am still ENOUGH today.

I am ENOUGH to raise my child on my own, the best I can. I am ENOUGH to follow my passion and purpose.

And now, as my child starts high school and I start my business, I know that I am ENOUGH because God created me to ENOUGH for the path He has created for me.

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH…..AND YOU ALWAYS WILL BE!

Day 4: Life Changing News

Lying in my bed awake, I thought I would be ready for the call but I wasn’t. I knew the call was coming. I just didn’t know when it will happen until that night. I had just left the hospital and was trying to relax my pregnant body for another night when the sound of the phone made my heart stop mid-beat.

The voice on the other end told me that my husband had passed away. Silence filled the air in the car as my brother-in-law drove while my father came with. I had all the support I needed but I still felt like the loneliest woman in the world. As soon as that phone call happened, my life changed.

In a matter of a few minutes, I become a young widow and a single mother. It’s times like this when you realise that your life can actually change in a matter of seconds and minutes.

It was less than 18 months before that I become a wife and then I become a widow. After being at the hospital and seeing my husband for the last time, I went home to a house full of people who loved me and who didn’t want me to be alone. No matter who was there, I was still alone in my mind, body and soul.

My mind was filled with questions, my body was tired and weary, and my soul was dry. No one could understand how I was feeling and what I was going through even when they tried.

Through months and years, I had to depend on my faith, allowing God to give me what I need to grief while raising a child and working. My faith hit highs and lows but in the end, as I sit and write this blog, 13 years later, I know that I am enough for my daughter and I. It hasn’t been easy and it has been lonely but now, I smile through my struggles and triumphs because I know that God has got my back and no matter what mistakes I make, He knows what I need and when I need it.

No matter what news whether good or bad changes your life, just knows that God is with you, holds you and believes that….YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

Day 3: God Found Me

Sitting at my desk for the past seventeen years made me realise that I actually got lost in one spot. My brain wasn’t being stimulated and my spirit was dying because I wasn’t doing what I loved.

Sitting at this desk, God winked at me, making me realise what my passions were. Every time I write, my mood changes, my being is immediately filled with joy and any negativity I felt before is replaced with peace and happiness. I also realised that when I was helping others work through their problems, I felt the exact same thing.

I had to lose myself completely in order for God to show me what I really loved doing and how I can use the talents He gave me to honour and serve Him by following my passion, my purpose and serving others.

As I write this blog, I changed careers to get out of my seventeen year rut only to discover that I am losing myself again. However, I have learnt from my previous rut and have made the jump to start my own business while still writing. I use my passion for counselling to help the colleagues I have currently around me with their problems and daily stresses.

God found me and I am trying to face the fear and allow Him to show me that I can be successful in His eyes while helping others. I pray that God keeps finding me.

I pray that God shows you the way to be found if you are feeling lost and believe me; if God is telling you to do something completely out of your comfort zone, go for it!

God wants you to know that….YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

Day 2: God's wink

God winks at me regularly but it seems to take me longer to see it. The most important wink God sent me was when I received the Holy Spirit into my heart as an adult.

It was a Saturday morning and like most Saturdays, I was shopping with my family. A must of mine when shopping in this particular mall is stopping into our local Christian book store. This shop always feels peaceful and I can spend hours in here, looking at novels, reference books, gifts and dvds.

On this particular morning, I was scanning the shelves when all of a sudden I felt this strange overwhelming emotion of peace and grace comes over me. I had never felt anything like this before. Ironically, there was no other people in the shop except for the cashier behind the till where she couldn’t see me.

The feeling felt good and I wasn’t sure what it was until I stepped out the door. My eyes saw everything around me clearer, cleaner and brighter. Colours stood out, people looked different and I walked like I was floating on air.

When I got home, I closed the bedroom door behind me and just sat thinking about my experience. I had received the forgiveness of sin, the grace and love of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. God had winked at me in the biggest way ever.

When I see and realise God’s wink, I feel extreme joy and give Him the glory because He is the one whose wink changes my life, teaches me more and helps me make the right decisions.

God’s eyes are the only eyes I want to focus on and I can’t wait to smile at all the winks He has install for you and I.

Day 1: Tattoo

Tattoos represent something different to everyone. Some of inked for the remembrance of someone special, a picture to represent a phase in their life or even words to remind them of life lessons they have learnt.

I have always wanted a tattoo but as yet have not had it inked. For me personally, it takes courage to trust another person to ink something permanent onto your body. The thought of a mistake and giving another person control over something important to me holds me back.

However, if I should put my big girl panties on and get one, it would probably turn out to be more than one. The main tattoo I have wanted is at the back of my neck, just below my hairline. I wanted either a cross with the letter “J” in the middle of it or a heart with wings with the letter “J” on it. This tattoo would be very special to me as it represents the three loves I have and had in my life, namely my deceased husband, my daughter and my saviour, Jesus. I wouldn’t need to see it to know that it’s there because like my husband and Jesus who I don’t see but I can feel their presence and my daughter goes with me wherever I may go. 

The other tattoo(s) I would have would be three red roses. I would place one just above one of my breasts, one just above my pubic hair line and one on my ankle. As I write this, I can actually see them and feel what they represent. A woman is like a rose and her beauty is in the eye of her beholder. A rose hibernates in winter, keeping warm, embracing the rain and withering the storm until spring when a rose comes out of its shell and blossoming, sharing the scent and colour to the rest of the world.

For me as a woman, I feel like a rose. In winter, I cover up, keeping warm, hibernating in my shell while I embrace the cold air, the rain and wither the weather until spring. When spring arrives, I come out of my shell, allowing my inner and outer beauty blossom and bloom sharing my vibrant colours with my world. From the bra I wear, the panties I fit into and the heels I wear, God lets my inner rose outshine my material roses I need to face the world.

A tattoo to some might be marking the body God blessed you with or something grotesque but to me, a tattoo tells the story of the rose in front of me. It allows me to listen, learn and love another person’s inner beauty that God created because no matter how we look….WE. ARE. ENOUGH.