Spiritual Strength

First, a little background to my story. I am currently doing my three months orientation to be a volunteer Chaplain for the Fire Department and believe me when I say this opportunity scares me and God really has taken me out of my comfort zone because I am doing this on my own in a world I don't know.  I don't even know if this is where God wants me to be but I know He will tell me. And now my story.....

This week, I have to prepare some words of encouragement as part of my Chaplaincy orientation for this coming Sunday and I am terrified but I silenced myself  and gave my fear to God. The word "hero" kept filling my mind. And like a good believer, I whipped out my Bible and starting searching and reflecting on what it means to be a hero. I had so many thoughts going on in my mind that I gave myself a headache and left my attempt for another day.  I was mentally tired over this and then last night in an episode of Chicago Fire, a Chaplain mentioned Philipians 4: 13.

Getting the message (especially the scene was a discussion between a Chaplain and a Fire Fighter!) after 8 pm, I jumped up and made to sure to write it down, with my Mother watching me race around the room looking for pen and paper. Yip, I'm that weird!

What I didn't realise was that the message I will be using this Sunday is also a message for me. I need spiritual strength to try to be a Chaplain because the men need me. I can't be their rock if I don't have a rock to support me and I was reminded that God is my rock. He will be standing with me when my hands will be shaking and my voice croaky on Sunday but I know that the men need to hear it. I still don't know exactly what I am going to say. I just pray God gives me the words to share.

We all need spiritual strength because sometimes physical strength is just not enough. Our heart and soul needs support when we find ourselves facing unknown outcomes, fears and even good opportunities. Everything on earth is uncertain and unknown. We can do all things as long as we focus on God because our mistakes can be God's works and our successes can be God's blessings for us. 

We also need to keep up our spiritual strength by praying and reading scripture. By talking to others in our church community. Praising God helps with our spiritual strength too. 

Whether I make a good Chaplain or not and whether they keep me as one, I do know that God is using this chapter in my life for His good and I know in the long run for my good too. A lesson learned, whether a success or a failure, is how we grow in all things and in all things God strengthens us.

God gives us spiritual strength to help us put our own anxieties aside to be able to help others because God knows others need our human strength to share His spiritual strength. We are after all His servants.

I pray that God strengthens you in all things that you are doing and that you never forget to listen to God because He is working in your life to strengthen and prepare you mentally, physically and spiritually for blessings He is and will be bestowing upon you. 

How is God strengthening you in all things? I would love to hear from you.

Winter Blues means Darker Days (Pt. 2)

So, I return to darkness because it feels like home now. The light scares me. I don’t know it anymore. I see its glow beneath the door in front of me. I turn and look at the window, seeing the moon and just enough stars to feel at home. The light from the corner from the golden writing also catches my attention.  I get anxious and my clothes feel like they are choking me.  The light seems to be growing all around me. Where’s the darkness when I need it?

I can’t feel the cold nibbling my feet anymore. It feels like a gentle heat falling on my feet. I try and bring my feet as close to my body as possible. I don’t want to feel it. My tears fall icily down my cheeks as I beg the moon with my silence for the darkening comfort.  

The gold writing seems to grow in light too as I glance over there. Letters shimmer in the moon light, urging me to open it up and read.  What harm could it do to read it.....again? I wonder as the light grows.

It’s the first time, I noticed it, noticed that night actually still turned to day.  The stream shoots through the window.  I jump out of the stream. My moon and stars have disappeared. Where did my darkness go?  I smile as I look at the stream of light. I can still feel the darkness here. I’m not scared but the stream of light creates curiosity. What would happen if it touched me?

Hesitantly, I slowly wiggle my fingers forward until they are wiggling in the stream. It feels like heat was falling on my fingers. The heat feels like a snake sliding up my arm. My skin is tingling under its power. I close my eyes embracing the sun snake as it slithering seems to spread.

Unable to bear its power, I open my eyes, fresh tears falling as I find my whole body basking in the sun. My soul has returned to the light I knew before.  My soul urges me to pick up the shimmering gold writing in the dark corner. Stepping out of the sun again, I visit the darkness as I pick up the book. I rush back into the stream of light. This is where I need to be.

The darkness has disappeared and the cold no longer nibbles. I turn around and listen again. The joy of the outsiders makes me smile. I will venture there soon but not yet.

My soul has returned home. My mind and body is on its way too. 

  

God has freed us from the power of darkness,

And he brought us into the kingdom of his dear Son.

Colossians 1: 13

Winter blues means darker days (Pt. 1)

I normally love winter. Winter to me usually means fluffy socks, too much hot chocolate, reading overload and movie overdose but this year, winter is different for me and I would love to know why. 

Winter blues have hit me hard which makes my days seem darker, more depressing, less motivating. Everything in life at the moment seems to suck! Work is a bore, my writing is stuck and my soul is locked in a room with no lights and no heat. 

As I sit in this dark room, my mind is filled with pondering; pondering ideas, pondering about people and pondering about God. Dreams keep me awake from slumber. The window is too high to look out into the horizon and the sun doesn't seem to rise yet the moon and stars twinkle in my eyes encouraging my inner doom and gloom. 

The cold is nibbling at my feet like rats. My breath adds to my misty cloud above my head. My body shakes as my soul darkens like the room. I can hear life happening all around me as a dull hum. My eyes see them smiling amid the rain. I don't get it! I don't get the joy of winter, not this winter. 

At first, I can't talk but then it happens....babble bursts out my mouth to try to return to the light of life. I force the words which flow into sentences but still I want to return to the dark room. I don't why! 

This winter, I am finding comfort in my dark room. The closed, locked door seems unbreakable. I can hear them behind it, the outsiders banging on the door. Their voices are calling me to return to join them in the rays of light. Why can't they leave me alone?

It lies in the far corner behind me. I don't need to see it to know what it looks like. The gold wording shines in the moonlight and burns into my back. Like the outsiders behind the door, this too bangs in my darkness, calling me to return. I want to....I really do but to ask I must want to receive but I'm scared that I actually will get what I want.  And if I get what I want I might not know how to handle it.

I return deeper into my darkness……where my winter blues keep me warm and my darker days gives me morbid comfort.

 

Why am I so sad?

Why am I so upset?

Psalm 42:5

I’m sinking down into the mud,

And there is nothing to stand on.

I am in deep water,

And the flood covers me.

I am tired from waiting

For God to help me.

Psalm 69:2-3

Hazardous Recognition

This past Sunday was Father's Day and a friend of mine on a social media platform started the debate on whether single Mothers should also be recognised on Father's Day for having this parental role as well. Honestly, the remark did sting a bit but it got me questioning this and other things regarding days of recognition.

Personally, single Mothers can be recognised on Father's Day as single Fathers can be recognised on Mother's Day. You ask why? Let me enlighten you. Many single parents have children of the the opposite sex. What I mean is that a single Mom who has a son needs to tap into her masculine side to be able to talk about or if she is really adventurous try some skateboarding, video games, fort building and doing some extreme sports and a single Dad who has a daughter has to also tap into his feminine side enlightening himself about how to handle his little girl becoming a young lady, talk about boys without anger, know the difference between a nice wedge and an awesome heel. Where there are two parents, it is a bit easier to take on these tasks as Mom can often relate to daughter and Dad can often relate to son.

Don't misunderstand me. At no point am I saying that parenting is easy regardless of how many parents are involved but sometimes we all need to know that we are valued for trying to be parents. But is it a necessity?

Let's be honest, as a parent, true recognition comes when our child gives us a goofy smile for no reason, a sticky lollipop hug to say "I love you" and a cuddle in the bed on a cold night. I don't get hurt if I'm not recognised on a particular day because I am recognised as a parent in many other ways. 

So, some of you will be saying so why doesn't the single parent get a Uncle involved or a Aunt involved to help with the difficult "stuff" and yes we could but what if the parent doesn't have anyone they can trust or rely on? What happens if their child is not comfortable talking with someone else except their parent? Could it be said that the single parent is avoiding trying to handle the difficult "stuff"?

As a single Mom, I see the pain in my child's eye when others play with their Dads. She gets so excited too standing on the side lines but she knows she can't join in because it's not her Dad. I try to fill that gap as best I can but deep down, I can't and never will be able to. Uncles try their best to help but they have families of their own and let's be honest, nothing can replace the love of a Mom or Dad even if it is Mom trying to be Dad too. 

The questions I am starting to ask are: Are we taking days of recognition too seriously and getting too technical? Are we applying too much pressure on each other to make sure our recognition is "good enough"? Should we depend on days like this to give us a good reason to acknowledge the important people in our lives? Would we acknowledge them at all, if we didn't have these days of recognition? Are days of recognition becoming more hazardous?

Unknown Waters

We all get scared when we make a life-changing decision because most of the time these decisions make us walk into “unknown waters”. No matter how prepared we are or think we are we’re still not prepared enough.

From this month, I am stepping into the unknown and it excites and terrifies me at the same time. My faith, strength and courage will be tested more than once. In my mind, I am prepared but the heart is yet to be taught and prepared.

The unknown made me think how a Captain must feel. Each time he stands behind the wheel, knowing the vessel inside-out and he floats out into familiar waters but even though the waters feel familiar, it is still unknown to the Captain. The ocean is never the same. The flow of the tides change, temperatures change, sea life changes and even the colour changes and no matter how the Captain is prepared, he must still get slightly anxious returning to the unknown, familiar waters. The waters he loves but respects its unstable behaviour. The Captain is prepared but not yet taught.

How many unknown, unlikely people did God prepare for His work to walk into “unknown waters”? Even Jesus walked into “unknown waters” when God told Him where to go and who to preach to. God prepares us even when we don’t realise it but He allows us to teach our heart to follow him into the “unknown”.

So, in the mid of the scary unknown what do I or we need to do? How do we change our fear of following God’s will into the unknown to the happiness of allowing God to work with us in the unknown?

We focus on our Shepard Jesus who walks alongside us. We pray to our King, God and we listen to our guide, The Holy Spirit. Because in this present, broken world filled with the scary unknown, it’s all we can do.

Even though, we feel alone in the dark, we never are. Many times, we create our own fear, imagining possible events in the unknown. But know this for sure, Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are with us to teach our heart with our prepared mind.

God is our protection and our strength.

He always helps in times of trouble.

So we will not be afraid even if the earth shakes,

Or the mountains fall into the sea,

Even if the oceans roar and foam,

Or the mountains shake at the raging sea.

Ps.  46:1

PS: I walked into my “unknown waters” and I was intimidated which made me terrified but I won’t stop trying because only God knows whether He wants me there and I have to learn to trust Him because with God, anything is possible!

What If.....

I remember it, like it was yesterday. I can still clearly see it in my mind and feel the intensity in my chest. I loved starting my school day like this. Soft, brown shining eyes and a smile that sent shivers down my spine. His arms felt warm, like home as he naturally pulled me into his embrace. Mmm, he always smelled good. His smell travelled through my nostrils, lingering as my breath gently blew on his neck. We didn’t need permission from each other to touch. We were drawn to each other, every morning. There was no beginning and in our hearts no end.

Our eyes answered the question that couldn’t be spoken and our embraces confirmed the mutual feeling but our mouths couldn’t be convinced to start the conversation. We kept everyone guessing, yet not many asked as we didn’t even know the answer but yet, we did. We weren’t ashamed of showing our feelings. It felt so comfortable, so right. Like a clichéd movie, we didn’t want to risk the friendship and the intimate feeling we had toward each other. We didn’t want the feeling to end. Before we knew it, we had run out of time. We parted with tears in our eyes, a promise in our smile and a silent “what if?”

Now, standing in a semi-crowded house, my “what if” walks in and twenty years later, my breath shallows and vaguely disappears. I wonder if he has ever wondered, ever missed it or even remembers. His face is how I’ve pictured it over the years, more than once. He glances my way, recognising me he smiles that smile that still sends shivers down my spine. His shining soft brown eyes still matches his smile. 

The flutter in my stomach sinks as she walks up to him from behind, their rings shouting “we’re married” from across the room. An unknown love hurts just as much as a lost love. I’m frozen.

The evening flows with friends, food and fun. We haven’t neared each other. I can’t look at him. I just can’t do it. I wonder down the house’s narrow passage into the bedroom where my handbag lies. My breath shallows again as I feel him. The feeling from me hasn’t changed. I turn and look at him. He stares silently at me. Do I see what I think I see? What I want to see?

Forgetting why I’m there, I walk past him but he turns and closes the door in front of me. No escape. I find myself leaning against the closed door, looking up into those soft, brown eyes.

Please don’t come close, I beg with my eyes as he looks at me, ignoring my plea. I look away, scared at what he might see in mine. His closes the gap enough. I want to touch and embrace him like I used to. I want to feel at home. I want to inhale his scent. I want to feel my breath on his neck. He edges even closer, his heat warming my skin. I look up at him as he leans his head down, his familiar untouched mouth mere inches away from mine. Smiling, he whispers, “We haven’t changed, have we?” I suck in my breath as my heart is shouting…..kiss me, touch me and love me. My mind can’t be heard. “You’re married” I mumble back into his mouth.

Brushing his lips ever so lightly against mine, he sighs and replies “I know”. He steps back and I give him space to leave, unable to look into his eyes again. He closes the door behind him, leaving me standing there, leaning against the door. My heart is racing, breath still shallow and my whole body is tingling.

Breathless, I walk out the bedroom, my lips swelling from mere sense of sensuality as I watch his back disappear out the front door with her. It happened again.

What if...

What’s your “what if” story?